Most of my blog posts are really happy or me talking about all the fun things we do but that isn’t all I want to remember. I want to remember the struggles and the challenges we have too because they help shape us too. The past week I have been pretty emotional and feeling really down. I have been reflecting on everything and it turned into me going into this weird thought process of thinking about the last year or so too. The worst part about feeling this way is I naturally hold everything in and try to move on when sometimes I really need to ask for help or talk to someone about it. On Tuesday I really learned how bad that is for me and everyone around me and am really taking some serious steps to change that. While I was at work on Tuesday I put myself in a situation where I was all alone with an aggressive angry student. I did call for help at one point, don’t get me wrong I’m not that crazy! However once her physical safety was under control I didn’t ask for any more help. I wanted to stay with her and make sure that no one else dealt with her because I didn’t want anyone to be in the situation I was in because it was really scary and I knew I could handle it. Later when all the adrenaline went away and my feelings could no longer be avoided I told my supervisor what happened and she was really mad at me. She was upset because she cared so much about me and I put myself in a situation where I was alone and had no help from anyone. Long story short I realized that not only was I emotionally and physically drained but I also took away learning experiences from my co-workers and made them feel that I didn’t trust them enough to help me. That was NEVER my intention because I was thinking about protecting them when in reality I was not helping anyone including myself.
The rest of the week I did a couple of other things at work like forget to call people that needed to be called and miscommunicated with other supervisors etc. and that was really frustrating. I’ve just been feeling like I have been doing worse and worse with my job. You would think that after all my time at Sunrise I would be getting better but lately I have just been feeling confused. I often get feedback that I need to stop being controlling or stepping on others toes but then when I stop doing those things something bad happens and then I share some of that responsibility. I just can’t figure out what I’m supposed to do. I can’t find that balance over night, ya know?
Anyways! This week our good friends moved to Alaska and I was having a hard time with that too. Shay and I were just starting to become really good friends and then they moved! The last couple of years I have lost a lot of friendships. Nothing bad happened between us and I still love each of those people but for some reason we aren’t as close anymore. I feel like I try to invite people to things or engage in conversations but then I just get nothing in return. The second I stop putting in effort the relationship goes away. That is extremely frustrating because it makes me feel like I’m not someone worth their time to stay friends with. As of right now most of my friends have either recently moved or live in Cedar City. And that is about three people total. I have other really close friends like Kylie and Nick but Nick lives up north and Kylie and I have opposite work schedules. So this last week I have been reflecting and wondering if I am doing something wrong or if I am someone that really isn’t that awesome to be with.
On top of that I am the on call Supervisor at work so my job is to hire on call staff and all that good stuff. Recently I have been getting a lot of feedback about how my staff are rude, not working very hard, or have poor boundaries. That doesn’t bother me very much because I feel like they are teachable and can work on it. However when the jokes start coming in about how I hire staff that are similar to me that makes me wonder what my coworkers think of me. Of course I know I am not those staff and I am different but hearing that still makes me feel like 1) I’m not a good supervisor and 2) that I am in some way like those staff and am not liked. Which sucks to think about.
And in the midst of ALL there is more! This week I got online to sign up for classes in the fall. To my dismay all my classes needed to finish my bachelors (except one) are all on Tuesday and Thursdays – when I work. This doesn’t seem like a big deal to most but to me it’s a huge deal. I have been on the same shift for over a year and really love my shift schedule and the team I work with. I love my other coworkers too but it’s just not the same! So the thought of not being on that shift anymore really bites. Obviously it is for a wonderful cause and I would still work at Sunrise but it is still sad. No matter what it will happen eventually because it’s not like the class are set this way for one semester.
The fun continues! The rest are all little things but I figure I might as well let them all while I’m writing a novel. Our washer isn’t working perfectly anymore so that may be money out of our empty pockets soon. Our cat is really annoying, always. Dakota applied for an oil rig job up in Vernal and South Dakota soooo that is a very SLIM possibility of a move in our future, and our cat also likes to throw up everywhere and we have no idea why!
With all of this crappy stuff going on with me recently I have also seen the other side of the coin. These are all opportunities to reflect and improve myself. I strongly feel that all of these challenges will better me and have a great outcome but for right now it is really pushing my limits! If anyone is still with me, thanks for reading and listening to my problems haha.