I first learned about love languages 3 years ago when I started working at a treatment center for young girls. I had heard of the concept before but never took the time to research or understand how important love languages are. If you don’t already know the theory behind the 5 love languages is simple; everyone has a different way of expressing and receiving love. The theory has 5 categories: Gifts, Quality Time, Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, and Acts of Service. Every person typically has one very dominant love language but has a little bit of every category. To find out your love language you take this simple quiz and based on research and averages it will populate your order of love language from greatest to least.
My love language is Acts of Service with Gifts a close second. This means that not only do I respond more positively to my husband (or anyone!) doing something for me, such as doing the dishes, cleaning my car, taking blog photos, or brining me flowers, but that I also express my love and appreciation to others in the same way. For as long as I can remember I have always hated gift cards. They are impersonal and I feel like I’m being lazy. Now I understand that a lot of people love gift cards (like my husband) and I will never be upset if I receive one but you will rarely get one from me. I would much rather take the type to evaluate our relationship and remember all of your favorite things to find you the perfect gift! I also love randomly surprising friends with flowers or taking out my neighbors garbage. I truly don’t think there is a better way to express my appreciation!
See what I mean? I’m so glad he’s taking a photo with me and he hates it haha

Knowing your spouses is just as important as knowing your own. My husbands love language is Physical Touch (which ironically is my lowest score) and his lowest score is Acts of Service.(again ironic!) so sometimes we both feel unappreciated. Having complete opposite love languages has been a challenge for both of us but not impossible! Physical Touch can be anything from holding hands, cuddling, being intimate, randomly getting back/foot rubs to something as simple as touching hands when you hand someone a blanket. Like I mentioned above this is not only how my husband prefers to receive love but also how he best expresses his love to me.

When I first learned about the love languages I didn’t think much about how we express our love. I thought “well if this is my love language than Dakota better step up his game!” which was selfish and unrealistic. I remember one day sitting at home and just feeling so unappreciated and so desperately wanted my husband to come home with flowers or take me on a surprise romantic date but I knew that wasn’t going to happen. That’s just not him and that’s okay. I realized that if I was feeling this way he probably was too. I was seeking for attention while also expressing my love in the only way I was comfortable which means he was most likely feeling unappreciated too. In that moment I took a step back and realized that if I wanted to feel connected with my husband I needed to connect with him the best way he will recognize it; physical touch.

Making sure I kiss him good morning before I leave for work, hugging him when he gets home from work, and sitting closely next to each other while watching Netflix was what he was needing; and I can handle that! Expressing love to someone in a love language you aren’t comfortable with can be difficult but rewarding. It’s also important to remember that every relationship is different and each person may view the relationship differently so we need to adjust how we express our love and appreciation accordingly.

I once had a friend who I considered to be my very best friend. I would tell her everything, ask her to hang out, and support her in everything she did. But one day I noticed that the relationship was exhausting and I couldn’t figure out why. Then I realized that even though I considered her to be my best friend and put in all the effort a best friend should get she didn’t consider me a best friend. I was working so hard at a relationship where the other person didn’t see the same value as me. I was hurt but was able to move on. We are still friends today but now we are just on the same level.

Every relationship we have whether it be with a spouse, friend, sibling, coworker, etc. has a level of connection. You wouldn’t show your sibling you love them the same way you show your spouse even if they have the same love language because the relationship is different. Communication is key in every relationship so take the time to figure out your love language. Have your partner take theirs as well and talk about the difference and similarities. Even if you do have the same love language it doesn’t mean you are still the same. If you are feeling disheartened or frustrated remember to recognize how your partner is showing their love. Just because they aren’t showing it the exact way you want it doesn’t mean they aren’t showing it.

What’s your love language? How has your relationship grown from knowing?

Other posts you may enjoy
>> Silly ways we express our love
>> 21 questions to ask your husband
>> How we make our marriage work

0 thoughts on “Why knowing your love language (and your spouses) is important”

  1. My husband and I read this book when we were just dating and I loved it! IT's so good to know where each other stand. Mine are words of affirmation and touch! So interesting!

  2. I absolutely love this! I've been seeing the Five Love Languages book around for years, but I've never actually read it. Now I'm about to go get a copy for myself and one for Hubs. It's really interesting that your dominant love language and your husband's were kind of opposites. I'm really curious to find out what mine and Hubs' are, and how knowing this can help our relationship. I'm really excited about it now! Thank you!

  3. We were told to explore this when we started our marriage and it was the best advice. Josh and I are very different as well and it's a struggle for us both to love each other the way we need. We also did the kids test with our kids and learned why certain kids exhaust me quicker and others exhaust him!

  4. That's so interesting! We don't have any kids yet but I am curious to see their little personalities and how we respond to them in stressful situations. I'm glad that you got such great advice early in your marriage.

  5. We talked a lot about this in our early relationship and I think it's so important too! The only place we struggle with it is that my hubby doesn't really have just one…he's kind of a mix of all of them depending on the season or what's going on. We're definitely learning that we have to constantly evaluate how we can best love each other and know that it's okay for us to change!

  6. These are so so true! I have found so many times that I try to love in the way I wanted to be loved, and that's not always what is best for my spouse! I have my highest ones, but enjoy them all. My husband is definitely a words of affirmation guy 🙂

  7. OMG I feel you, girl. My love language is Words of Affirmation and that is sooooooo not Cory's! Sometimes I really start to struggle because he just doesn't understand that it actually means so much to me!

  8. I can really relate to this post! I have always known my love language but never Joel's so I made him take the test and everything made so much sense! My top is 'words of affirmation' but that's Joel's lowest score. I would enjoy it when he complimented me but when I would tell him 'I'm proud of you' he would remain completely unaffected and it would really bug me. But now I realise that he doesn't receive love that way, so it's pointless me trying to do that. Instead, his top is 'quality time' so for Christmas I made him a date jar so that we can spend lots of time together.

    Emma | http://www.thehappyjournal.com

  9. I have no idea what my (ormy husband's) love language is. We will have to take the test to find out! I have a feeling that they will be really different but it will be interesting to know.

  10. I just recently discovered the love languages! Dave and I took the quiz and discovered both of us have the love language of Acts of Service, which doesn't surprise me at all. On one hand it's nice, because we understand each other and know how to make the other happy. On the other hand, it can be difficult when we both would prefer the other step up and offer to do the dishes that night!

  11. Omg I'm obsessed with Love Languages (and Myers-Briggs, Strength Finder, basically anything of that nature haha). It's actually really interesting because my receiving love languages are Words of Affirmation and Quality Time (they tied for first), but my biggest giving love language is Gifts! I can totally relate with you on that. I love personalizing the gifts that I get people or making them something instead. 🙂

  12. I love this! My husband and I got married rather quickly. We long distance dated for about a month before we got together in person (we had gone to high school together so he wasn't a complete stranger) and then two months later we got married and two months after that, I moved the 15 hours away to be with him. For the first 3ish months of us living together, I was terrified that we were going to end up divorced. There was a huge disconnect and I honestly thought maybe he didn't love me or something. And then I heard about the love languages and decided to read the military edition since my husband is in the Marine Corps. It was a HUGE life changer for us because we realized we just didn't recognize and show love in the same way. He's more of an acts of service kind of person whereas I'm more of a physical touch and words of affirmation type of person. This is what was causing our disconnect. We've now been married for a little over 2 years and our marriage is stronger and better than ever. I recommend this book to every couple!

  13. Loving this post and your adorable pictures. I'm looking forward to taking the quiz and having my husband take it after our daughter goes to sleep. It will give us something to discuss : )

  14. I'm totally an Acts of Service girl as well. While my husband is a Words of Affirmation kind of guy. This combination can be exhausting, as I'm sure you understand too. I just want him to CLEAN THINGS FOR ME!!! And he just wants to hear how awesome he is. haha! The concept is truly revolutionary though, all married couples should read it.

  15. Seriously love this! I am a hardcore Quality Time person and Colby is also Physical Touch. I feel like Act of Service has been creeping in on me ever since I got married though, because I seriously LOVE when he helps clean or things like that! It really is so helpful to know each others'!

  16. Oh I can see how that would be tough! But that's why constant communication is key. It's good to keep in mind for your future little baby too because you can probably teach and discipline better by knowing your kids love language.

  17. Yes I agree! I think everyone has a little bit of every love language in them and in certain moment and situations we need a different love language but overall I am an Acts of Service gal!

  18. So true!! My husband could care less if I put his laundry away or do the dishes because it doesn't matter as much to him. And it was so frustrating to me. But that date jar is such a cute idea!

  19. Oh how neat that you both have the same love language! I can totally see the challenges with that though (especially when it comes to dishes). Just goes to show that having the same love language doesn't mean that your relationship will be any easier than someone else's.

  20. So amazing! Long distances relationships have enough challenges so that disconnect on top of it can be really stressful I bet. I'm so glad you were able to benefit from reading the book! It really is so brilliant and simple 🙂

  21. Yes please just clean everything always! Haha that is so great though. I agree that every couple (no matter what age or length you've been together) should take the test and read the book. Life changing!

  22. Yes I agree! I have always been a “gifts” person but since getting married, running my blog, working full time, etc. those acts of service as so much more precious than any gift! Our love language can definitely adapt to certain situations and experiences.

  23. When my bf and I started dating I had him take the love language test and it has seriously helped in our relationship. While ours are completely different whenever I really think about what his is and use that knowledge it really has helped our relationship grow even more!