I’ve always had a controlling personality. Not the kind of controlling where I need to know where my husband is and who he’s with 24/7, that’s a bit dramatic. More the controlling personality where I am fine doing all the work in a group project because I know it will get done the way I want it to. Or if someone asks a question and I know the answer, I will answer the question even if I wasn’t part of the conversation. I know I’m weird – it’s fine. Hopefully that makes sense. If not, keep reading and it will.
The other night I was looking at my baby with tears rolling down my face wondering why the heck he wouldn’t go to sleep. It was the middle of the night, I was exhausted, he was fed and clean, and I could not get him to go to sleep for the life of me! I was beyond frustrated and was at a breaking point when it suddenly hit me. He’s just awake. It was seriously that simple! But because I was tired and wanted him to sleep so badly I created a monster in myself that, for a moment, never wanted another child ever!
I was so consumed by the thought that he should be sleeping that I didn’t take the time to notice that he just wasn’t. He’s a baby and sometimes he is just going to be wide awake at 2 am. Instead of being angry and frustrated at him for an hour I could have just let him play for a little bit and then put him back down. It’s hard to see the difference when I am tired and the last thing I want to do is play, but at least my attitude would have been better.
Being a mom is easily the most difficult thing I have ever had to do. I knew it would be a lot of work but I am a little ashamed that I’m not as patient as I thought. Not knowing whats wrong, waking up multiple times at night, and watching him every single moment is exhausting in every way. Not being able to fully control his schedule or behavior is something I’m working on every day. I’ve learned to ask for help, recognize when I’m being controlling, and at times walk away to calm down.
Becoming parent’s is new and challenging and it’s something we are working on every day. I’m hoping I can continue to take a step back, be mindful of the situation, and allow myself to be comfortable not being in control. I’m grateful every day for my husband and his unbelievable patience with me. He has had to put up with many tears and angry outbursts but he can always keep me grounded. Having a controlling personality has its pros and cons and working on that balance is a daily struggle but as long as I’m working towards it, I think I will be okay. But we will see how the terrible two’s go…